It's a good day when you receive a package in the mail.

It's an even better day when that package contains your adorable, perfectly purple, portable battery charger. The size of a tube of lipstick, it's "a must-have" for your purse, for smart phone backup and emergencies.

And it becomes the BEST day when you discover that your battery is from China, and that all the "product warnings" on the back of the box have been translated from Chinese to English. Poorly translated.

(The following have been typed out EXACTLY as they appear on the box.)

Warning #1--Do not use of store under high temperature and wet environment. Hmm... What constitutes a "wet environment?" Is Seattle considered a wet environment? If so, those hipsters are going to have to go with a different product!

Warning #2--During using the battery, need to avoid falling down or extrusion, if cause any abnormal phenomenon, please stop use immediately. Abnormal phenomenon!?! Good grief, this one creeps me out! If my battery starts levitating or channeling other worlds, if it becomes a conduit to the land of the dead or starts talking to me, you can bet your sweet bottom I am going to STOP USING it IMMEDIATELY! And don't even get me started on the "need to avoid falling down" while using this product. Is that warning on the box because people do, in fact, fall down more frequently because of it? Good heavens, why? Is it an equilibrium shifter? I don't get it.

(Side note:  The definition of extrusion is, "something that bulges." If my battery starts bulging, I'm making a mad dash for my front door. Four words:  Sigourney Weaver in "Alien." Ew, ew, ew.)

Warning #3--If found any body change during using, please stop use immediately. What in the hell is going to happen to my body once I plug this baby in!?! People, I have enough problems as it is. I'm a busy mom, with a drama queen second grader, a special needs son, and a squishy, busy, naughty baby. I rock adult acne and my poor little belly button is deformed beyond recognition. I'm not even sure if I HAVE a belly button anymore! (Thanks, kids.) I DO NOT need to be worried about strange rashes and growing third eyeballs. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Warning #4--It is normal that the body temperature will be slightly high when charging. Say it with me now:  I do not want a fever, I do not want a fever, I do not want a fever...

Here's the thing, you guys... I have been to China. I have seen an abundance of poorly translated signs and ads. I have giggled at the sign at the Summer Palace that would indicate to tourists that "no smiling is allowed." It makes me ridiculously happy. My charger box and the aforementioned "warnings" printed on it make me ridiculously happy. Because they remind me of crazy and adventurous bus rides, The Great Wall, rice terraced villages, dumplings, riding the train, and shopping in the street markets. They remind me of good friends and great times in an extraordinary country. And they remind me of rice. Lots and lots of rice.

Hey! Who wants a super special, supernatural, fever-inducing charger?! Free for a brave soul who'd like to give it a good home. (Or die.)

I think I'll just keep the box.  


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