In An Effort To Beautify Myself

In an effort to beautify myself, I gave myself a manicure.  I pulled out the nail clippers, the emery board, and the cuticle cream.  I stationed myself in the bathroom, on the toilet (the seat was DOWN!), and went to work on my gnarly hands.  After I was finished with all the snipping and filing, I pulled out the nail polish.  A dazzling silver with chunky flecks of glitter in it.

And that's when it all went to hell.

I CANNOT paint my nails!  I'm sloppy.  I make a mess.  I apply too many coats, and ALWAYS before letting the previous coats dry completely.  I saw a giggle-worthy picture on Pinterest that depicts my "nail polish prowess" to a tee (or is it just "T"?):

I can relate! an effort to beautify myself, I decided to shave my legs.  It should be noted that I am part primate.  I have lots of hair.  Hair here and hair there.  Hairy, hairy everywhere!  (Dr. Seuss just might be our pediatrician.)  I turned on the hot water, filled the tub with bubble bath, and slid down into "Calgon bliss." 

It didn't last.

I had one leg done when I heard a Bang!  Bang!  Bang! on the door.  Lilly burst into the bathroom and yelled, "Mom!  Mom!  Camren took all of his diapers out of the bag!  He's throwing them down our stairs.  He's making a mess!  He dumped his goldfish crackers on my floor.  And I can't find Sally.  I think she's under your bed, trying to eat my sock."  (I probably don't have to tell you that I got out of the bathtub.  One hairy leg.  One smooth one.)

Later, in an effort to beautify myself, I decided to try my hand at "the smoky eye."  How to create the perfect smoky eye has eluded me for years...and then my little sis introduced me to Cara.  (Or rather, Cara's

Yep, the girl is smokin'!  And a makeup artist to boot.  I watched her tutorials, pulled out my enormous makeup bag, found my favorite eyeshadow brush, and went to work.  Here's a picture of my end results (and I may have done something wrong):

See?  I told you I was muy hairy.
By the end of my "day of beautification," I had thrown in the towel.  Instead, I chose to eat an exorbitant amount of Whoppers before bedtime.  (You know, the chocolate malt ball kind?!)

Hey.  It's what I know.

Have a beautiful weekend!


  1. Hahahahahahahahaha!!! I love this post!! So funny!
    I busted out laughing as soon as I saw the right and left nails! Isn't that the truth!?! Ahhh, I am the same way! I just learned from my friend the other day, that I should apply a base coat beforehand. Ooops! Uh duhhh! No wonder that black or deep red nail polish stains my nails and fingers when I go to take it off!
    I seriously was expecting a photo of you all sultry (or covered in black and silver shadow) smiling or making one of your amazing faces!! When I saw Mr. Racoon, I died LOL!
    Woahh, that Cara IS a hot mama! Gonna have to check out her page...thanks for sharing!
    I had such a visual of the diapers and goldfish scattered all over the stair and floors!
    Ohhh, you crack me up!
    Whoppers are so stinkin' good...I always got them in my Easter Basket and would eat them first!
    I hope you have a sexy, hairless, chocolaty, beautiful weekend, my friend!!
    I love ya, Mama Racoon!


  2. You are my fashion idol. You always look adorable. Your nails always look nice, your make up is always beautiful, your hair is so dang cute and you are always dressed to the tee or T. hehe. Come over when ever you need your right hand painted, I will do it and even serve you a diet coke with a lime. I love you!

  3. Hahahahaha too funny!!! I think you make a cute racoon though :)
    I'm lucky to shave my legs twice a week, once is sometimes pushing it. I laughed at you sitting on the toilet, this is where most of beauty regime takes place too, glamorous isn't it!! Why is it kids always need you as soon as that bathroom door shuts? I swear it happens ALL THE TIME!!!
    I think you're beautiful, hair, terrible nail polish and smudgy eye make-up and all!

    Love you lots Utah xoxoxoxoxoxo

  4. I can relate! I ALWAYS mess up my nails, because the kids always need something. I try to "beautify" myself everyday, but it doesn't happen.

  5. Still laughing over you "picture" aka. raccoon eyes. You're too funny! Have a good weekend!

  6. Haha.... You had me at bang.... Bang.... Bang.... I haven't had a bath by myself in ....oh about 18 years...... Hehe....
    Your a riot. Thanks for the laugh.

  7. LOL If I tried to do any of that I would end up the same way!

  8. this is so funny!! :) I applaud you for even TRYING girl. :) these days I just hairy and makeupless regardless. ha. Blessings to you today friend!!!! hope you can get a good bath sometime soon...

  9. Hi,
    I am a new GFC follower. I found you on a blog hop. I would love for you to stop by my blog and follow me back please. Thank you so much!

  10. ROFL, I have times like this, too. I think it's not so bad when you are not as successful yourself, but when you pay someone to do your nails, brows, hair and skin, and they send you home like you've done it yourself ... THAT is a box of truffles before bed day :) Hugs and blessings from your new follower (courtesy of the Friday Hop). ~ Lea @

  11. LOL! This post is too funny. I can so relate. I'm so not the girly type. I don't do makeup often, I don't do my nails myself at all, I shave probably once a week, if that much. :) I rather just sit back and let someone else do it for me. (My nails, that is. :)

    Great post. :)

  12. you make me laugh SO HARD!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahaha i love the picture of the manicure hands. LOL! why is it the same way with my FEET? it's like i can paint the right one, but then reaching over to that left one, it looks like i had a seizure! i mean, seriously!!!! what is wrong with me! i'm sure you didn't look all that bad. that raccoon is actually really cute. i want to pet him. hahaha! my goodness, i can just see your kids. sounds like my house. except, yesterday, my son was yelling because my daughter had "scooped the poo" out of her diaper allll over the floor. oh yeah. we are one classayyy family! LOL!




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